May you always see your own life as a journey — one of self-discovery and awareness … may your love continue to grow and shine forth.

— Rebekah Gelinas.

The past few weeks have forced me to consider the deeper meanings of life in ways that I have not previously explored. The holidays came and went quickly, it seems, and the magic and excitement they usually bring was muted for me. I rang in the new year with the knowledge that my closest friend was receiving hospice care. My beautiful friend, so full of love, humor, and wit, is slipping away.

I thought we had more time. Isn’t that always how the story goes? But truly, I did. I thought we would have many more conversations, more hugs, more opportunities to kindly critique eachothers’ writing. Surely there would be more chances to recommend books and music and movies; to vent; to problem solve the issues that seemed so important then, yet so insignificant now. There would be more time to laugh, to send funny text messages, to share our joys and pain.

But the hard truth is that I was wrong. Now I find myself embracing every moment that I know she is still part of this world. Every opportunity that I have to see her chest rise and fall with living breaths is an unlikely comfort to me. When those beautiful eyes are closed and she seems comfortable and at rest, I can cope with the situation. I have no idea how I will be able to cope when she is gone.

I work as a labor and delivery nurse on the night shift at my local community hospital. The past few months have been a very busy time of welcoming newborns into the world; encouraging their grand entrance under the delivery lights, placing them into the embrace of weeping parents. The messy joy and pain of entering this world is oddly similar to the experience of those watching a loved one leave it. We reflect on the many joys that our loved one has afforded our lives, for this is what we will miss so deeply; the absence of these joys causes a pain that is deep and messy and leaves us void of the embrace that we so desperately seek. We are left with tears. And farewells.

A truth that gives me courage to continue forth into this world (despite the aching void that I am soon to know) is that the love of my friend has changed me profoundly. Because of this, she can never truly be gone. Not while her impact on my life and on the lives of so very many that she has loved remains. My strength during this difficult time comes from my belief that when her time with us ends, there will be an eternal light that she will be delivered into, welcomed into a love that we cannot begin to comprehend, embraced and showered with joyful tears. And someday when my time on earth ends, I hope she is standing in the light to greet me.